The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she smelled like a LAN party
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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