upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is Oprah even human
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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