Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
