how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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