but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
