Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Randomize
