new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
