I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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