How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
