I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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