dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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