I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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