I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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