DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
