maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
