sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
