i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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