I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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