so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
so much tequila, so little girl.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
