Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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