I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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