You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
