I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
