Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
