I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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