I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
