Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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