accomplished twins. life is a go
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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