Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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