We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
