You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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