You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
