At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He passed out mid-signature
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
