dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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