She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
