i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
