i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His nipple licking is glorious
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