sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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