While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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