I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
