I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
