Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
