i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just found a bag of teeth...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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