So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize