So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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