My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
