im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
pray to the hookup gods
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize