i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
