nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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