Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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