You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
