My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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