I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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