He had one of those small greek statue penises
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
