Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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