his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
