p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
