So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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