You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize