Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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