Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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