John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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