I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
