Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
