I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
