I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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