I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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