Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
