he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
