god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
