i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
did i just pee glitter
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I forget how to act sober
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
