If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize