theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
